2003-10-26 - 11:14 p.m.

As I was walking home the other day, I was thinking that I am bored. Not in the individual moments of life but in the big picture. I've thought this before.

I reminded myself though, of the continued delight I get from telling myself 'I'm in Alaska - Alaska!!!'.

It was then that I became aware of the moment. Of my soft footfalls as they fell on the pavement, cementing my solitary pilgramage in the dark. Announcing my prescence to the pre dawn hour. The course of my journey(like life) was filled with darkness yet softened by the muted light of the streetlamps. Their artificial lumenescence reminding me that despite the nature surrounding me, and my seeming lone prescence in the night, I was among civilization.

And it struck me that it is partly this awareness of others, of you, of others that makes me so comfortable being alone. See, I may miss others when not with them but I still feel their prescence out there somewhere amongst the dark, prolly with some light around you. And you know if you never miss others you never have that continued delight at seeing that person again. And I kind of yike that. Kinda sorta maybe.

Their is also the fact that when I'm alone, especially walking, I seem to settle further into myself, snuggling into the present moment. I like that too.

And in this moment, the only sound my footfalls echoing in the air. Hovering in a way that could be thought of as lonely. But soon I became aware of the muted rumble of the city. And, as I turned the corner I heard the steady flow of the stream there.

I walked on and saw the flashing lights of construction and a sign announcing that the road would be closed until the 20th and saw the trucks idling and I and I began to think of the night, of these predawn hours of the city as a sprawling, slumbering beast. Maybe a dragon. Ever restless and sleeping with one eye open. A steady flow of life rumbling underneath its lightly dreaming form. And here I was strolling along the bowels of the beast. Walking in the midst of the city's dreamings. The dark veil of the night sky was punctuated with patches of light and I knew that soon I would be spewed forth along with the fiery dawn from the night into the morning.

A new day with new adventures waiting. Adventures that even when I'm in a more idle state in life, are still rumbling under the surface, a life that goes on in a steady flow, even when it feels as if I'm still sleeping, I have one eye open ready for the day, for my cue to wake up and spew forth with renewed life. And in this moment and in this vision I was not bored.

Tonight, though I vowed not to answer the phone if work called I am here at work - on a Sunday night. I was so good too - I ignored the ringing @ 12 am last night as I was watching Circle of Iron, and again today as I was sleeping...yet I had to listen to the message and my tired boss telling me how someone hadn't shown up and could I please work Sunday so he wouldn't have to?

It always seems to be me, who doesn't call in sick, yet comes in when others do. Who shows up on time yet consistently stays late - from 20 minutes to three hours because others are stopping at mcdonalds or not excercising good time management...or have a headache and just can't come in.

I get headaches often - the kind where you see life in a letter box version and experience nausea and vomiting.

The most frustrating things about the above symptoms is that they are very like hangovers -and I've never drank. At least, not a regular basis, never to excess, and usually only to add to the moment, drinking Vino Verde on some island off the west coast of africa and the like....

Also, I don't have the luxury of staying home because of them because, one I work nights and it be difficult to find another worker to replace me, and also I get headaches, migraine and sinus so often that I wouldn't be able to work at all if I stayed home for all of them, or the exhaustion that comes from having them. So, I go to work, concentrating hard on not slurring from the pain, and to see the screen despite the black fuzzy border to my vision...and work despite the pain and nausea...and I stay late because others are too lazy to manage their time properly or get headaches and have to stay home- or perhaps in their case hangovers...while I stay late because they don't show up despite how I go to work no matter what. When the office moves I'll be taking the bus in the morning and when they're 20 minutes to three hours late then that may mean another 45 minutes to an hour for me to wait for my bus and another 40 minutes to get home.

Luckily, I'm no longer taking the class I was taking...which took up eight hours after working friday night 9-4 and six hours tues and thurs - so that combined with many sundays....waiting for my relief to show up and walking home 30-40 minutes - i wanted to do nothing but sleep when off work. And unwind...my house has suffered...between the stress of work and the long hours I really haven't taken the time to pick up in the precious few hours I have after work. My once very neat house is not as neat.

and i've ignored good friends like al maybe even lost them....

Night shift is fairly easy though - though it compromises your personal life...not being able to talk to folks as much or hang out. ANd it can be stressful if those on shift before when the offices close and call and say which doctor is on call - don't actually put the oncalls in the computer or put the wrong one in. So they make the mistake - but I'm the one who continually looks stupid to the hospitals and makes them and the doctors pissed. They only know its me time and time again not the idiots who are working the shift before me. Of course I've made mistakes at work too - but those are mine and thus easier to deal with in that way.

I am happy I stayed for one reason - maybe two....but still wish for the ease of one of the caretaking jobs I could've taken. Time to work on my writing....to not think of anyone but myself for a little while. To make mistakes that are fully my own - or not.

And there's having to work - and forgetting my volunteer shift with STAR today and other stuffs I'm dealing with my thought is I want to go home...but I don't have one - not in the true sense of the word. I'm moving about to find it. When home is those you love and feeling comfortable. I know the answers are within and its all being comfortable with ourselves. but...lancelot my cat is the closest I have to home...my mom stole him when I gave him to her for a little when i first moved to ca...till it got settled. It sounds silly but I've known him for 10 years and he loves me no matter what dissaray my hair is in in the morning....or the fact that i put it in two braids so it won't be in disarray - so silly or whatever and I adore him too... sometimes I think home is having someone you Love who loves you to come home to...which as the lone wolf i've always told myself i am it shouldn't matter. god what a mush i am tonight...i think its because there are just a few things avalanching thats all....

most would prolly look at my life as great...lots have voiced the desire to be able to just pick up and move - but can't because of kids...i personally like being able to do things spontaneously without having to worry about babysitters etc....

anyway i'm done rambling... i'm going to put in the green mile now that things are quiet here...

.....

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